bailz just being

though i stand by my belief that explanations are rarely owed, i thought it might be helpful to those i haven’t met yet to have a little background on how we got here…

first, i feel the need to stress the importance of uplifting and centering lived experience expertise – in the very wise words of disability justice-based performance artists Sins Invalid, we need leadership by those most impacted to navigate current systems (you can find the other principles of disability justice here.)

and second, i know that might not always be me. i acknowledge unearned privilege as an educated white person who grew up with many opportunities to learn & grow that i am still tremendously grateful for. i remain deeply committed to my own creative and educational processes and will always have more to learn and unlearn.

AND – part of my lived experience expertise is knowing that intersectionality can create dissonance within us, and that dissonance can create immense shame, rage, and pain. growing up in privilege but without visibility, i did NOT believe there was a future for me. though i was out as queer in the mid 90s, i didn’t have language that helped me own identities as an agender//nonbinary//disabled//mad person until my thirties.

what i did have was a lot of inner conflict & confusion. a deep feeling that i was wrong, i was bad, i was the problem. i didn’t know why, and the language i could access was returned to me soaked in fear as diagnoses and otherness. in my behaviors, it came out as self harm & escape.

& since chronic illness is ✨forever✨, i had a lot of time as a young creative alone in my head while home from school sick or traveling to see specialists. this provided me with a lot of time to daydream and observe, find loopholes & learn the language of those who seemed to have more of a say over my bodymind than i did.

eventually, i was ~almost on my own~ (read: college//grad school) and made a choice to protect myself & try create change from the inside, which led me to pursue a career in counseling psychology. i had learned that people with credentials are believed & respected, and that this was how i could back up my truth. although i was able to do some important work in my time as a licensed professional, after a while, the dissonance of my lived experience was once again killing me.

as long as i have been alive, i have been making art – sketching, writing poems & essays, painting, sewing, drawing on my high school uniform pants, dancing… i never stopped, and i never gave myself a chance to see this as more than a coping skill. movement arts as a way to heal was a consistent subtext to my life – the subject of my undergrad thesis, the focus of my graduate research, and a fun part-time gig where i could spend weekends & summers teaching movement to kids.

but when you have a passion, it tends not to be able to stay a small part of your life. over time, i continued to fuel my love for sharing creative movement with younger generations, and in doing so, started to let myself be seen as a creative. it was this experience of receiving visibility & opportunities in performing arts production & arts education that saved my life, helped me to be fully out and embrace all that i am, led me to a career as a teaching artist, and empowered me to begin truly living for myself.

in creative spaces, i started to feel seen & respected for my ideas, my heart, my soul, instead of my credentials. what i had lived started to matter more than what i had studied. by making & sharing art i declare i am already enough. by using my body as a medium in performance art, i declare autonomy loudly, and often in front of an audience.

and so the why – why do i hope to find more opportunities to teach, why do i hope to help make events and learning spaces more inclusive & accessible – is to let others be seen as they are, as enough. to offer art as a way to highlight intersectionality, to explore the dissonance. to help students of all abilities move into opportunities for autonomy and visibility. to celebrate and uplift our imperfect and authentic communities for all that they are. to synthesize my expertise from all areas in the hopes of a more vibrant future. & to share it with you.

all of this, to help build a brighter world, where the kids (who already know they are the future btw) can see adults like them living, thriving, & making choices. you in?

image from 1994 or so of small bailz with short curly hair in a school picture smiling while wearing a very cool jacket o lantern pin on their velvet collar – dear small bailz, there is a future for you!!